The crisis of turning 3-0 // it's a personal one!
So here it goes, it’s not too often you'll see me write something totally personal but for once I think it’s needed. And do you know what babes… I need to do this more often, I think it’s mega important that you all get to see who this little nutter is behind the camera!
Caution, if you don’t like swearing, click the x at the top, or the back button or whatever the hell it is you do on whichever snazzy device you will be reading this from, as I can safely warn with caution this will probably be written straight from heart, with no filter!
I’m writing this one about a milestone, a turning point, turning 30… so I know I can’t officially call this a mid life crisis but this year, holy frig… where to start... I feel like I’m having a crisis, a major fucking meltdown, it only seemed like yesterday I was turning 18 partying, getting drunk, dancing on tables, landing in gutters (classy I know), drinking for days on end, partying like there’s no tomorrow, wearing clothes that I can totally see now why my mother pulled a face, blaring the loudest hardest most annoying tunes, generally having no fucks to give as I necked down that 10th aftershock (yes that was a long ass time ago, but genuinely I remember it as yesterday) now in the blink of an eye I’m 30, a real god damn adult, I always thought I was an adult, but I don’t like this number.. and sorry to people over the age of 30 but now I feel old as!!!!! (I’m hoping this feeling passes when it happens, you know that day… the day where I turn, to the dirty thirties)
Do I need to act like an adult? Do I need to do more adulty things? What even are adulty things?
Anyway - I remember chilling over Christmas 2017 and everybody was sharing their memories from 2017 on facebook and I thought, oooh what a good idea… I’m going to be a sheep and follow the crowd… turns out, I had zero memories, I had no images, no down time, no time for me, no nothing, then it hit me like a mega ton of bricks, like a major bitch slap in the face. I’ve been delusional, of course I’ve been having fun all year, I’ve been shooting so many epic memories, but I never went on holiday to relax, I never went away with my husband, I never had any family time, I just focused all my time on making my clients happy, that happy that I realized I … me… my family… my husband was suffering. Then it also hit me that I was in my last year of my 20’s and all I had done for years is work work work, had a couple of holidays but it was always about work, money, work, money, pretty house, nice car etc so fuck it I thought, I’m making a pact… I am going to write a bucket list – 30 things in my 30th year, I’m going to make memories, shoot shit for me, have fun, say yes to things…. Do everything I feel I need to do before I have a family, before my husband runs away with somebody who’s not a miserable crank glued to a computer screen every day. (ok I doubt very much he would do that but never say never)
So here it goes, I drafted a list, I talked it over with my hubby… he laughed… or I think he did, I was so bewildered I don’t think I took much in at this time. My list goes something like this:
Read 12 books – jeeeese well this is a bit ambitious right, 12 books… do you know how many bloody words that is!!!? I need my head testing….well this is what I thought back in about April, but so far I’m up to 7 books, ok two of them are audio…. But it counts right? I may actually do this!!!
Go on holiday on my own – balls…. Big cheesey balls, this one terrifies me, I did this last year, I went off to Italy on my own, this counts right?! I actually don’t think I’ll get this one in!
Get back to a size 8-10 and maintain all year – yessssss friggin yesssss, I did it, I now need to maintain it, but Christ, everytime I drive past a Chinese my mouth waters crazily!
Go on a zip wire / jungle swing – planned for October
Get another tattoo – Check…. Done…dusted… another one again ontop of this counts as an extra tick right!?
Do the pendle witches walk – well this one was ticked off back in easter, and it all came abruptly crashing down when I fell, I suffered a nasty knee injury, x-rays, crutches and being laid up for weeks. That back fired! But screw you pendle witches…. I still did it!
Complete a past life regression – this was hands down the best, scariest, most curious, bewildering, bizarre and liberating experience of my life. I can’t write much down here about this, but if anybody has every considered doing this- DO IT!!!!! Do not hold back!!!!!!
Be able to see my abs again – Did I say I like Chinese?!
Start to learn a new language – Ummm ok, I’ve not realllllly started, I did start, well I signed up to start learning Afrikaans, no clue when this will come in handy, I’m hoping to get some time to pick it up again after wedding season
Be the other side of the lens for a mini boudoir shoot – Check… and I totally friggin worked it! Rachael AKA my twinne, snapped me late one night, it was fun!
Complete a sky dive
Go skinny dipping – Bali is coming up!? Maybe I need to get crazy ass drunk for this though :/
Visit Bali – Booked… roll on October
Go on the Gili Swings – Booked … Roll on October
Go on a doggy holiday in the UK – Complete! Ahhh it was so cute and so much fun, we are actually off on another one super damn soon! The dogs love it….
Stay in a treehouse or a log cabin – complete, I recently hung out with my best photography babes, over in Yorkshire somewhere. We turned it into a mini hen for Melissa
Make a macramé wall hanging – im addicted to watching youtube tutorials, but I’m going to make this my Christmas task
Get a go pro to take them cool ass under water pictures
Be able to run 5k
Go for a picnic with the husband and dogs
Put a love lock on a lovers bridge
Visit South Africa
Learn to oil paint – I bought a book HAHAHA
Learn about my spirit guide
Go snorkeling and take an underwater picture
Go paragliding / parasailing
Learnt to meditate properly
Get a polaroid camera – Checkkkkk, then I dropped it when I fell on the pendle witches walk, the polaroids I’d shot blew away and I chipped the bloody pristine front of it, and broke my finger when I fell trying to protect it. Who cares though… at least my camera has a painful story to it!
Take 500 polaroids of things I love and special memories – Like holy shit, do you have any idea how expensive this is?! Seriously somebody should have told me… should have warned me, I’ve wrote this down and started so I can’t fail now. This costs 65p a picture… and of course my lomo camera is like a proper film camera, you know, the ones where you never quite know what you get until it prints and develops. I have zero fucks to give I’m keeping the over exposed blurs of disappointing white blobbed background, and the ones that look like a black whole of nonsense. This shit counts!!!!! I’ve managed about 100 so far, sooo I just have like another £260 to drain from my bank account. And suddenly the reality hits, what do I do with them?! So anybody who shoots polaroids, hit me up with some cool ass suggestions please!
Book a spontaneous holiday. – Complete…. We went to Barcelona, booked with two weeks’ notice. And ya know something, it was the best holiday I had in years… I really truly relaxed, we hiked, and I got the biggest blisters in my life. We went to a sex museum, ya know I’ve never been to one of them but seeing my husband in one of them face in the hole cut out walls was hilarious… I know now what he would look like with a big six pack! Anyway I digressed again, roof top swimming pools peeps are the way forwards!
So there’s still loads of blanks, I’m not sure I’ll check off all 30 even though it’s still 4 months and about 2 weeks until the end of the year, but with the big 3-0 looming in exactly 2 weeks, I’m going to chuck it all in the fuck it bucket, get mega pissed… although I actually have no plans for the day, I seriously must change that!
Can somebody please tell me it’s normal to feel like I’m in a meltdown?
Can somebody please tell me how to get my head level and stop it spinning like what I can think of as a scene from the exorcist in resist of turning 3-0.
I can’t do it… I don’t want to turn….
I am normal… right?
So here’s to embracing the next 13 days as being 29, safe, secure and still in my twenties!
I am a twenties girl….